Hoogbah
by Pongo Legume
Summary: Hm. It's a radio play. Just Enjy, Azelma, and the students. A minescule amount of Sweeney Todd. Chainsaws are fun, dudes.


Another thing I did for school. Cheers. I'm proud of this one, I am. Those which are obviously not mine are not mine, but all the rest are. Twelve points for whoever can guess who Johanna is. Let's chant now: Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike! Heike!   
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Hoogbah  
A Radio Play By Pongo Legume  
  
Characters (in order of appearance):  
  
Announcer - A really really deep voice  
Heike Hoogbah - TV host  
Xiphosuran - Famous serial killer  
Azelma - His assistant  
Johanna - Heike's wife  
Joly - Hypochondriac  
Combeferre - Student  
Feuilly - Fan-maker  
Ostrich Queen - Ostrich with a lisp  
Enjolras - Lost student leader  
  
-Scene 1-  
  
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Brought to you live from New York… This is…   
The Hoogbah Hour! And here's our host… Heike Hoogbah!  
Heike: Hey hey hey! Welcome! I'm Heike Hoogbah! Laughs and clears throat   
Well today we have two very special guests. Alleged killers of half a million   
people, please welcome… Xiphosuran and Azelma!  
Thunderous applause, cheering, etc.  
Heike: So, how are you guys this evening?   
Xiph: Fine.  
Heike: Well that's great! Let's break for a commercial!  
The Meow Mix commercial comes on. It goes like this: "Meow meow meow   
meow meow meow meow meow…"  
Heike: Aaaaaaaand we're back! I'm Heike Hoogbah and you're listening to the   
Hoogbah Hour! So, Xiphosuran, how did you decide to become a serial   
killer?  
Xiph: It's fun.  
Heike: Really! Fascinating! And Azelma, what made you join him?  
Azelama: Er.. yes.  
Heike: Well that's great! Let's break for a commercial!  
The Meow Mix commercial comes on again  
Heike: Aaaaaaaand we're back! I'm Heike Hoogbah and you're listening to the   
Hoogbah Hour! So, you guys use chainsaws to brutally hack to death your   
victims?  
Xiph: That's right.  
Heike: Really! Fascinating! And, Azelma, all you do is run around killing people?  
Azelma: We work for the government.  
Heike: Really! Fascinating! And it's ok for the public to know about this? Laughs  
Xiph: Sure. Take it as a warning. You never know who may be next.  
Heike: Well, thanks for the warning! That's great! Let's break for a commer-  
Xiph: I don't think so.   
gasps from the audience  
Heike: Huh?  
Xiph: Let's go.  
Azelma: Right, sah!  
Heike: No! Wait!   
Confusion from the audience  
Heike: You can't do this! Someone call 91- he is knocked unconscious and hits   
the floor with a thump  
A woman jumps out the window: high-pitched scream, glass shatters, a lovely   
splat  
Azelma: Wow, that was lovely.   
Xiph: Twelve points for the swan dive, I say.  
They turn on their chainsaws. Increased screaming, yelling, and gurgling from   
the audience  
The confusion fades…  
  
-Scene 2-  
  
A horse-drawn carriage. Wheels, horse hooves, mud, ect  
Heike: groans Uuuhn… Where am I?  
Xiph: Nearing your death.  
Heike: What? Heeey, I know who you are!  
Xiph: So you do.  
Heike: You're Xiphosuran! That serial killer guy!  
Xiph: So I am.  
Heike: What are you doing here? Where am I?   
Xiph: You already asked that.  
Heike: Why the hell am I tied up?!  
Xiph: sighs My partner and I are on orders to kill the Ostrich Queen.   
Heike: Ostrich what?  
Xiph: No need to pretend…   
Heike: Um?  
Xiph: Well, I suppose it's alright for now. We're taking you to be tortured. And then   
we'll guillotine you.  
Heike: Guillo- Sir, sir, you've got the wrong guy. I swear I don't know nothing   
about your royal ostriches. Waxing emotional I'm just a normal TV star!   
Nobody tells me anything….  
Xiph: I'm sure.   
Heike: Really!  
Xiph: You just interviewed him yesterday.   
Heike: I did? No! I was… sick yesterday! Yeah, my wife hosted for me.  
Xiph: Really. Well, we'll know soon enough. You'll like our chainsaw…  
Heike: It's true! It's my wife you should be killing! You don't believe me?   
Xiph: Of course I don't believe you. Silly boy.   
Heike: But I'm still sick! sneezes See?  
Xiph: Ew.  
Heike: Sorry…   
Carriage movement stops. Occasional creaks and horse snorts   
Azelma: muffled, from outside the carriage Sah!   
Xiph: yells What?  
Azelma: The road appears t'be blocked!  
Xiph: Glorious…   
Carriage door bangs open. Boots step down one of those ladder things, and walk   
through the mud  
Azelma: Does it not appear to be blocked?  
Xiph: It does appear to be blocked.  
A gunshot  
Azelma: Er, what else does it appear t'be, sir?  
Xiph: Besides blocked? Appears to be a barricade.  
Azelma: Ah.  
Another gunshot  
Xiph: Also appears to be occupied.  
Azelma: Er, what do you suppose it appears to be occupied by?  
Xiph: Mm… people, no doubt.  
Azelma: Ah.   
Another gunshot  
Azelma: What-  
Xiph: Guns.  
Azelma: Guns, sir?  
Xiph: Yes Azelma. They appear to be shooting at us with guns.   
Azelma: Ah.   
gunshot  
Xiph: Lets see how they appear up close.  
  
-Scene 3-  
  
Feet walking through mud. They stop  
Joly: Hulloah!  
Xiph: Hi…  
Combeferre: My god! Looketh, 'tis the horseshoe crab guy-eth!  
Xiph: angrily You're not supposed to know that…  
Feuilly: Sir, during all your travels, did you ever come across a man in a red vest?  
Xiph: No, I don't believe so…  
Joly: Woe! We'll never find ib like dis! Oh damb, anodder colb…  
Xiph: Gentlemen, we've got a few questions for you-  
Comb: And we dost have some for thou. First, good monsieur-eth, art thou going   
to kill-eth us?  
Xiph: Quite possibly, if you keep talking like that…  
Comb: O huzzah! Comrades, thou shalt be kill-eth-ed by famous cereal-eth killers!   
And perhaps-eth we may join our leader-eth in the star-eths.  
Feuilly: He is NOT dead!  
Xiph: Ahem, well, I think we'll just be moving along then. Will you let us through   
your barricade?  
Feuilly: We're looking for Enjolras.  
Xiph: How wonderful. Good luck. Would you let us through?  
Feuilly: He's our leader you see.   
Xiph: That's nice…  
Feuilly: We were having a grand old revolution, and we seem to have lost him   
during some of the fighting…  
Joly: He's got sudch a pre'y reb dest…  
The three revolutionaries break into song  
Students: Red! Enjolras has a cool vest!  
Black! Out world is it's not there!  
Red! We've got to find our leader!  
Black! The color of his haaaaaaaaaaair!  
Xiph: Azelma…  
They start their chainsaws and saw through the barricade  
Xiph: Thank you.  
Feuilly: Ahg! He broke our barricade!  
Comb: My god! Sir-eth, I dost not believe-eth thou knowest what thou hast done!  
Joly: Took us months to build that thing… Hey! I'm cured!  
Xiph: You're welcome.  
Azelma: I thought I was!   
Comb: The girl speaketh!  
Joly: Yay…  
Xiph: clears his throat Goodbye.   
The two pairs of feet march off  
Comb: Wait-eth! runs Pray tell where thoust art hithering?  
Xiph: What!?  
The others join them  
Joly: Where are you going.  
Xiph: It doesn't concern you.  
Feuilly: Maybe we can join forces. We'll help you with whatever you're doing, and   
you can help us find… Enjolras.  
Xiph: Know the whereabouts of the Ostrich Queen?  
Feuilly: Er, no.  
Xiph: Terribly sorry then.  
Comb: Wait-eth! Aye! We do-eth!  
Xiph: Oh, really?  
Comb: Aye-yeah!  
Feuilly: Um, you do?  
Comb: aside Sh!  
Feuilly: Ohhh…  
Xiph: Azelma, I feel suspicious.  
Azelma: Sah?  
Xiph: sighs Ah well. I suppose we can always kill them.  
Azelma: Sah?  
Xiph: What?  
Azelma: Sah.  
Xiph: I thought as much. To the students You can come.  
Feuilly: Yaaaay!  
Joly: Well of course we can come-  
Comb: Joly!  
Joly: Ohhh… Er, yay!  
Feuilly: Xipho, we'll be looking for out leader first, since our situation is more   
desperate than yours, right?  
Xiph: Um… no.  
Feuilly: Damn…  
  
-Scene 4-  
  
Comb: Harken, fellow fellows! He hast a prisoner!  
Xiph: So I do…  
Joly: sneezes Ag! Heeb dot bee sick!  
Xiph: Really? Are you sure?  
Joly: Yeb.  
Heike makes muffled sounds through his gag  
Feuilly: Why don't you kill it?  
Heike makes more noises until Xiphosuran takes off the gag  
Heike: Phaw! coughs So! You see! I was sick! You have no choice but to set   
me free, for it proves I don't know nothin!  
Comb: Nay, I fear-est we knew-eth that already…  
Xiph: I'll do what I want with you. Your sickness proves nothing.  
Heike: indignant Yes it does!  
Comb: Er, thine speakings be-eth all terribly interesting-eth, but canst we hither   
now?  
Xiph: Yes, lets. Azelma!  
Azelma: Sah?  
Xiph: Let's go.  
Azelma: Right, sah! Er, where are we going?   
Xiph: Um…  
Comb: Ahem.  
Feuilly: Old York!   
Joly: Old what?  
Feuilly: Old York! That's where Enjolras's mother lives!   
Comb: Ah! Good Xiphosuran, may this poor soul-eth make-ist the suggestion-eth   
that we hither to Old York, because… the ostrich-eth may-ist be… planning-  
eth to capture-eth our leader-eth's mother!  
Xiph: Um…  
Azelma: Brilliant! Er, unless it's not…  
Xiph: sighs Fine. Let's go.  
We hear Azelma get out, and the carriage moves. Fade out  
  
-Scene 5-  
  
Joly: Welcome to Bath Camp. How may I dip your cow?  
Comb: Thou must ask-eth if-eth they wouldst enjoy-eth fries with that.  
Joly: Wouldst thou- er, would you like fries with that?  
Comb: Thou art fired!  
Joly: Noooo!  
Feuilly: Ha ha.  
A door opens. Footsteps heard across tiled floor  
Azelma: We're going to the mother's house soon. What are you doing?  
Feuilly: Practicing.  
Joly: We're gonna get a job and get lots of money.  
Heike: Why don't you just steal it? Isn't that what you do?  
Comb: What-eth? No-eth.  
Heike: And why are you talking like that? It's getting annoying.  
Comb: I am-eth simply brushing-eth up my Shakespeare-eth.  
Heike: Ah.   
The room explodes. They all fall through the floor and into an underground cave-  
thing. Screams and thumps  
Comb: What the heck-eth!  
Heike & Feuilly: Ow.  
Joly: AAH! All my bones are broken! I'm lying in an unknown place filled with   
unknown diseases! My wounds will get infected! sneezes And I've caught the worst disease of them all!  
Azelma: The plague?!  
Joly: Duh colb.  
Xiph: YES!!!! I've found it at last!   
Feuilly: Enjolras!?  
Xiph: The Ostrich's lair!  
Feuilly: Oh…  
Xiph: We'll get a huge promotion for this one. Azelma!  
Azelma: Sah?  
Ostrich Queen: Hello?  
Comb: Oh my-eth.  
Heike: What is that?  
Xiph: Ew.  
Azelma: Wow.  
Ostrich: Visitors!  
Xiph: Azelma! Chainsaw!  
Azelma: Right sah!  
Enjolras: Nooo!  
Joly, Feuilly, and Combeferre: ENJOLRAS!!!  
Enjy: Drat.  
Joly: Fearless leader, you cured me!   
Feuilly: Where are you?  
The ostrich laughs nervously. Everyone gasps  
Enjolras: Yes, I'm afraid it's true. This ostrich is my Siamese twin. All those years   
at the café I managed it hide him from you, but finally, at the barricade, I   
couldn't take it any more, and I decided to go visit my mother. But then she died, so I'm living in this cave with my brother.  
Azelma: Wow.  
Feuilly: Oh well. You'll come back to continue the revolution, right?  
Ostrich: He won't! I'm not going to be killed on some barricade!  
Xiph: You aren't going to be killed on some barricade. I'm going to kill you now.  
Ostrich: No! Why?  
Xiph: I don't know, Galia's weird.  
Heike: Galia?  
Xiph: It's the government I work for.  
Everyone: Ohhh…  
Xiph: Well, if this king doesn't want to be killed, then I see only one other solution.   
Joly: What might that be?  
Xiph: We must separate you!  
Once more, he starts his chainsaw. There is a scream or two before it fades   
off…  
Announcer: Adventure! Romance! Chainsaws! Will the twins escape? Will they all   
die horrible painful deaths? Will Combeferre ever really learn to speak   
Shakespeare? Find out all this and more, next week on… the Hoogbah   
Hour!  
  
  
Oooooooo, the suspence! Hahahaha! Another episode, perhaps? We'll see. You'll see boys... prozacprozacprozac....  
  



End file.
